"baby you're the only one i run to"

court went fine.
postponed until 08/27.
i'm getting a public defender.
seeing that dumb girl made my blood boil.
she made it seem like this all was inconvenient to her.
HELLO BITCH, YOU BROUGHT US HERE!
sheesh.

after court, blake and the kids went with me to my grandparents house.
it was awesome.
i couldn't ask for anything more right now.

i'm sick, stupid sinuses.
hopefully it goes away very soon!

head over heels.

we're home from louisiana.
it was a good trip.
exhausting.
i met some really great girls!
i wish i could've brought them home with me.
haha.

being down there made me realize a few things.
first of all, it's sad to see someone you care about turn into a super douche.
but hey, it's out of my hands now. i give up on being concerned.
the plus side of this trip made me realize that i've got an incredible boyfriend.
we're like some old married couple, but i'm totally into it.

i miss ryann so much!
my mom took her to my grandparents house, so it wont be til like the end of this week til i see her.
i'm freaking out!!

i know.

i need to get my shit together.
i seriously think i have a problem.
maybe i need to see someone.

fuck you chad for not having any responsibility.
i think sometimes i'm jealous of all his freedom.
but i love my daughter with all my heart.

tomorrow i will be on my way to louisiana with my boyfriend.
i am way too excited.
i need this so bad right now.

"we can make believe the morning sun will never rise"

perfection.
i've got my beautiful daughter, an adorable puppy, and an incredible boyfriend.
i feel like i have my own little family.
i'm being cautious, there's gotta be a downfall somewhere.
nothing is ever this great for me.
haha.
maybe now's my time!?
who knows.

louisiana this weekend!
i am so excited.
i need to start packing.
party tiiiiime!

my wish-rascal flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything,
more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big,
your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back,
but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you,
in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive,
and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.
But more than anything,
Yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big,
and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

fear.

a man came in my work today to buy a new bed.
he said his wife just passed away last week.
said he couldn't sleep in the same bed anymore.
i almost cried right in front of him.
i've lost lovers before.
but never forever.
they're still in my life.
i couldn't imagine losing the one person i want to share my life with.
more reasons i'm terrified of love.

"cause i like the way i feel, inside"

i'm not going to care what everyone else thinks about this.
it is about me and how i feel.
how happy i am.
i'm sorry to anyone who is hurt by it, but it's what i want.

being 21 isn't nearly as fun when you have a job and a child.
i don't have many opportunities to go out drinking.
but i'm sure i'll have some breaks.

blake said he'd help me take care of the puppy if i get one.
i'm on the hunt for all things nescessary to raise a puppy.
for a decent price.
i've gotta convince my parents i can do this.

"you've got me feeling emotions"

my birthday was a success.
blakey took me to hananoki!
i ordered a mai tai with dinner and was drunk off of one.
ahahah.
then made my way to nashville with shawna, jama, cronk and dito.
duddy met up with us while we were there.
we all went to play!!
hahaha. the boys had never been.
so they were highly amused.
my friend jonathan is a bartender there, so i was getting tons of free drinks!
such a good time.
i'm ready to go out again.

idk what to do with chad.
i want to help him.
but i'm afraid he's still playing games.

blake and i were googling pictures of puppies last night, i want one so bad!
i'm hoping to convince my parents to let me have one of bills.
plzplzplz.

can't wait for louisiana!

am i just another pretender?

i'm happy.
i've got incredible people in my life.
blakes taking me out to hananoki for my birthday.
i'm going to nashville with friends.
i'm going to have an amazing time.

but i still can't stop thinking how badly i wish you were here.
i'm aching for it.

back at it.

i've been updating my tumblr again.
mostly a lot of reblogs.
it's amazing coming across people/pictures i can relate too.
hollyduhhh.tumblr.com

"love is friendship set on fire"

"you make breaking hearts look so easy"

yesterday was entirely too emotional of a day.
i need to remember to never forget my meds ever again.

listen, i can handle being lied to, i can handle my heart being broken, by you.
however, i will not allow you to lie and break my daughters heart.
get your shit together.

tomorrow i will be 21.
holy fuck.
still cannot believe it's happening.

blakes gonna take me out for dinner. :]
then i want a bunch of people to come with me to nashville!
hopefully i get lots and lots of free drinks.

i'm still trying to get myself financially stable.
it's hard.
sometimes i wish it was all just handed to me.
but then i'd be one of "those" girls.
so i'm glad my parents make me work for it.

i'm tired.
fuuuck.

you.

if you're reading this, you know who you are.

this is how i feel about you.

"i dig you"

i'm happy.

i absolutely love my second family.

jama, andrew and ryleigh are part of team howell.

and i love our family hangouts!

"oh baby you, you've got what i need"

i'm struggling financially and it's really bringing me down.
i've got to figure something out...fast.

yesterday was a great day.
spent majority of the day in crofton.
driving the 4wheeler and blake took me on the track on his bike.
kinda scary! haha
i absolutely love jama, andrew and ryleigh.
and team howell!
went to midnight madness last night.
i seriously felt so out of place.
but it was still a good time.

i'm in sort of an awkward position right now.
but i'm sticking with it, because i'm really happy with where it's going.

someone get me a second job.

i'm on fiiiiire!

so much for nothing drastic.
we decided to dye some of my bangs red.
hahah.
it's sort of a pinkish red.
not really the red i wanted, but it's growing on me.

tomorrow is mine, blakes, andrew and jama's redneck vacation!
we're going to crofton and taking the motor home.
we're also taking the kids with us.
we plan on being as white trash as possible while we're there!
we might even stop in hoptown and all get eloped.
aahaha. jk.

i need to go to the doctor and find out why i'm always so damn tired.
and where the hell my period is!
still have not had one since april.
my body is all kinds of fucked up.

6 days til my birthday!
still not sure what i'm doing yet.
but i'll make sure it's extra crunk.

"i wanna taste you one more time again"

i think every night for the rest of my life i need to climb on top of a roof and relax.
last night was great.

i hate always thinking what my past is presently doing.
what sucks even more is when my past lets me know what they're doing.
fml.

i'm not dealing with immaturity anymore.
so don't come at me with any of your petty bullshit.

i think cristina and i are going to experiment with my hair tonight.
just styling it, nothing drastic!

"i'm always your last call"

if you and i were ever romantically involved in my past,
you can pretty much forget about it ever happening again.
it seems like everyone is so pathetic.
i am not having it anymore.
i don't do liars, cheaters, deadbeats, or assholes.
i've finally realized i'm way too good for that bullshit.

on a lighter note,
i've been listening to the same exact songs over and over.
blake made a mix cd and i cant stop listening to these songs:
for tonite-sooner the better
the honorary title-everything i once had
the spill canvas-all over you
a day to remember-my life for hire
lil wayne-sky's the limit
yea, it's totally the best playlist ever.

went and saw the fireworks on post.
then rode the worst ride ever.
seriously, it hurt and was in no way fun.
michelina, shawna and i also thought it was a good idea to wear dresses to a fair.
not a good idea.
but after seeing many white girls with the ghetto girl style,
i decided that i'm going back to my old ways.
big earrings and ghetto talk here i come!!

cronk is moving in with shawna, so we partied there after beer pong at brendons.
poor shawna and cronks apt was demolished by water balloons.
but it was so much fun.
i fucking love the shit outta my friends.

i really want sushi.
someone make this happen.

this is savanna and i being dumb on the slip n slide.

this is blake and cronk hauling ass down the slip n slide.

i promise i made it to the end atleast twice.

they just didn't catch it on camera :(

Xtreme.

i'm blonde now!
i love it.
i want to put another bright color, probably red, in it.
yayayyy!

my 4th of july was a blast.
blake and i are going to see the fireworks tonight since they were rained out last night.
our slip n slide party friday was a success!!
so many different groups of friends came out and everyone got along!
i loved it.
i'll post pictures of the slip n slide later.

so, i don't know what on earth makes boys think it's ok to send me dirty texts when i am in no way interested in you.
really, it just disgusts me.

today on my way to work i went to taco bell.
when i got up to the window the lady told me the people in front of me paid for my order!
and they gave her a card to give to me.
it said that they were from the Xtreme Ministries.
and it says to pass on the love.
i just may do that!
it was pretty awesome.
i may not believe in god or religion,
but i can still do nice things for people!

10 days til my bday!
then on the 24th blake and i go to louisiana!
shawna and cronk may be coming too!
this is going to rule so hard.
i love my life right now.

i'm kinda like andrew wk

i partypartyparty!
hahah.

i'm going ultra blonde today!
finally.
it better be awesome.

blake and i are having a slip n slide party tonight!!
i'm really excited about it.

i really need to keep up with taking my medicine regularly.
i keep missing doses, or taking too many in one day.
and it's throwing my moods all off.
plus it makes me sick.
fuck meds.

blake and i plan on party hopping for 4th of july.
so if you know of any good ones, hit me up!

i need a change

i'm ready to cut my hair.
i want to dye it as well.
i need to start working on more of my tattoos.
i would like to buy a new wardrobe.
i want to make myself over.
i've got a new heart, i need a new look to go with it!

hopefully i get money for my bday and i can make this all happen ASAP!

"there's tons of fish in the water...

...so the waters i will test."

it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.
i'm so glad to have finally let go and be done with it.
i'll always love him, but it's a lot different now.
it's easy to let go when you're being pushed away.
to be honest, i'm happier now.

it's already july!
my birthday is in 14 days.
not exactly sure yet what i'm doing.
but i know it will be good!

blake and i are going to louisiana on the 24th and coming back the 27th.
i'm excited.
i've never been there.
we're gonna stop in new orleans on our way down!
super stoked.

i need money.
i'm gonna go sell my organs.
maybe my eggs!
i produce pretty awesome children,
tons of people should want em.