"no amout of whiskey, no amount of wine"

i've got to stop.
i can't continue feeling sick and crying everyday.
i don't let go easily.
and i really wasn't trying to let go at all.
but it's time.
i have to make myself.
i'm going to need support.
but i know i can do it.

idk.

i'm not sure if what i'm doing is hurting me or healing me.
i'm leaning more torwards hurting me, but i can't seem to stop myself.
i know what i want, but i can't have it.
it's eating me alive every day.

"we're all alright"

i do not like being alone.
not just alone, without a significant other.
but alone in general.
i've been doing everything possible to keep myself constantly surrounded by people.
thank goodness i have the most amazing friends ever that help make this happen.

i always find myself fighting sleep.
i'm not sure why.
i'm tired, there is nothing special going on. if i'm sleeping my thoughts aren't running wild,
but no...i'm fighting it.
writing blogs, posting new pictures, watching that 70's show.
everything but sleep.

my self esteem is sort of building itself back up.
i love myself.
even though i always pick myself apart and blame myself for everything,
i think deep down i know it's not me.
i've got everything and more.
and one day someone will realize it and appreciate it.

"take me all the way"

sometimes i pretend i'm stable.
but really, my insides are on fire, there's a huge lump in my throat, and i'm an emotional wreck.
you've just gotta fake it til you make it, right?

the stars are beautiful tonight.
and it reminds me that i'm alone.

i want to be scooped up and carried away to the romance that i've dreamed of forever. it's not perfect, but it's a real and genuine love.
except it's not real, because it only happens when i'm dreaming.

it's funny that even though love has done nothing but hurt me,
i can't help but still want it.
i want the kind of love that's so intense you can feel the passion burning when you look into eachothers eyes.
i want a genuine love.
but i don't think i want it anytime soon.
i don't need that right now.

i don't think i will be drinking for a while.
depression+alcohol=huge emotional mess.
last night was a disaster, one i wish would have never happened.

i feel sick.

i'm getting my hair done tonight. (hopefully)
i want a change.

best friends.

i have the most amazing friends in the entire world.
a lot of mine and chads close friends showed up for ryanns birthday party!
they played with ryann and we all had an awesome time!
i love everyone who came, thank you so much!

last night was mine and stacys night away in murfreesboro!
went to the wolvering video shoot.
such a good time!
then stopped by a punk house show.
the boro knows whatsup, we will definitely be back again!

we also rode around in a limo downtown clarksville.
hahah.
we'z famous bitchez.

also, so many people have noticed i've been tanning! i love it.
andddd, i've lost 4 lbs since the breakup. hahah.
i always lose weight when i get emotional, but i was needing to drop a few pounds anyways, so this rules!!

go figure.

i seem to always jynx my relationships.
i'm always let down.
always dissapointed.
and you'd think by now i'd be able to handle heartbreak easily.
but no, it still hurts, possibly even worse the more it keeps happening.

i'm so lucky to have the friends i do though.
they always help me through everything!

so, i'm single and ready to mingle!
bahahah.
jk. i just want to have fun for a while.

"cause i fall three times as hard if it's for nothing at all"

they say distance makes the heart grow fonder...
really, distance just makes me cranky.
i'm ready for him to be home.
3 more days!

i start a babysitting job today.
i'll be picking the kids up from school and watching them a couple of hours a day.
and i can bring ryann with!
so i'm looking forward to this!

i can be really immature and selfish when it comes to relationships.
i feel guilty for my reactions sometimes.
but i'm tired of always having rocky relationships and constant interference.
i want this to be about me and him.
nobody else.
so please don't try to come between, i'd hate to turn into the crazy bitch i can be.

i cannot wait til the end of may.
cody is coming with me and my family to VA to visit my gparents!
we're going to busch gardens and hopefully the beach.
hopefully the time flies by 'til then!