"there's a chance i'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do"

being a controlling bitch will come around and bite you in the ass.
just my words of advice for the day.

i'm so happy to be home!
i never thought i'd be so stoked to be back in clarksville.

remember the whole "i'm interested" thing...
well, i'm even more interested after today.
:]

"you know that i could use somebody"

i had an amazing time at the beach.
shawna is the most awesome beach partner ever!!
the beach is such a perfect get away.

but back to real life.
i hate thinking i'm over and done with something.
then seeing the pictures and hearing about the life i wanted that you're living with someone else,
has my insides on fire.
everytime you give me the chance to have what i want, i pass it up because i'm scared.
then you go right back to being happy with someone else.
it hurts me like you could never imagine.
how on earth do i manage to let myself get so down about multiple loves?!
i have to stop caring.
i need to stop falling so fast.
i need to be independent.

fuck you, fuck you very very much.

fuck lingering thoughts.
"there's no such thing as what might have been."
as much as i try to tell myself that, i always think otherwise.

oh baby, baby it's a wild world

i'm in virginia with shawna and my family!
so far we havnt done much, other than shopping.
i'm really exhausted which kind of sucks.

wednesday we're going to busch gardens and i cannot wait!
then thursday and friday we'll be at the beach!

i hate feeling like it's my responsibility to care so much about people in my life.
but it comes naturally.
i want to help people i care about.
even if it hurts me to hear things and see things,
i want to maintain some sort of status in old flames lives.
once i care for someone, it's hard to let it go.

i'm interested.
but i always, always, always jinx/ruin everything.
so, as always, i'm scared of what might come.

"i'll pretend my ships not sinking"

i don't even know how to describe what i feel right now.
my body aches, my stomach is in knots, my heart is on fire, my eyes are heavy.
and i've brought this all upon myself.
i do nothing but put myself in situations that bring me down.

i've come to realize i am the fun girl.
i'm the girl you want to hang out with and "have a good time" with.
you wanna sleep with me and party with me.
but you cant see yourself being with me forever.
and i don't know what i do to stop being that girl.

i'm interested.
i'm trying to show it.
but i'm so fucked up in the head from everything, i have no idea what to do with myself.
somebody fix me.

figuring myself out.

i'm reading the book "crank".
it's definitely ineresting.
while reading it, i realized something about myself.
in the book, adam (who's a heavy user of crank and gets the main character Bree into it as well) says to Bree:
"with you i am adam. and you are my beautiful eve. lets run away, find our garden, live there together, happy. naked."
and as i read this, i find mysef melting.
thinking how romantic that is.
then i start finding myself jealous of Bree, the main character.
but then, i really started to think about it.
and all that bree and adam's relationship consisted of was drugs and sex.
but yet, i still found myself jealous.
that is when i realized my problem.
i always see past the worst in people.
and i dig really deep and find any possible good in them.
when it comes to being a friend, that is a good trait for me to have.
i could be a very good supportive friend to someone who really needs it.
but i am realizing that when i'm looking for a significant other to maybe spend my life with, i don't need to look past the worst.
i need to analyze everything about them.
consider the best and the worst and really think before i make any actions.
it seems that whatever i was doing before never seemed to work, so i need to make changes.
and i really think this is a big change that will help.

anyways.
i have my dr. appt today for my medicine.
hopefully they give me something that will help a lot.
i want to be happy all the time!

never again.

i'm sorry for the impression i gave you, with the actions i took.
but that's no longer who i am, or who i will ever be again.
i made a mistake, and i refuse to let you treat me like a dog.

i'm having so much fun with my friends!
they really are the best friends anyone could ask for.
i'm also making new friends!
in different places!
keeping things interesting.
i love it.

i'm trying to kick ass on all of my finals.
i really don't want to be kicked out of school.

"the thought of anyone but you never crossed the landmines in your mind"

i make crazy, impulsive decisions.
i never regret them.
no matter how much they upset me.
and honestly, the most recent crazy decision i made hasn't upset me much.
in fact, i think it's helped me.
however, i know that the things i want and need are not going to come from this.

i love partying with new people!
kids from nashville/murfreesboro always know how to have a good time!