i've said it once...

and i'll say it again.
i've got the best people in my life.

blake came back early.
i couldn't be happier!
tomorrow will be 4 months.
it seems like so much longer than that.
but that's when we made it 'official'.

I LOVE!

slowly but surely

we finally have a set date for blake to come back.
december 3rd!
i cannot wait.
i'm ready for our house!
we're working our way to perfection.
this is going to be the best.
:)

i'm back in clarksville.
lake charles was not for me.
it's not for blake either.
but he has a job.
he'll be here in tn as soon as he has money saved!

ready for a house, a family, our life!
i love that boy sooooo much.

crazy.

i'm thinking about making a rash and crazy decision.
but i think i'm going to go with it.
go with your gut, right?!

"patience is a virtue, my child"

fuck that.
i'm super impatient.
but it's getting the best of me.
causing me to rethink, have doubts, go crazy.
this is also where my anxiety comes into play.
i've got to control it.
remind myself that i have the upper hand in the battle between me and my emotions.
everything will work out just fine.

i cant...

even begin to describe how much i love blake.
there are no words for it.

ups and downs and ins and outs

blake and i have multiple options for what we want to do right now.

but we can't decide what.

i wish this was easy.

i'm ready for us to just get our life started.

if only it were that simple.

he's gone. :(

blake left last night.
sucks so bad.
but i'm trying to stay positive.
like he told me, this is the next step to the rest of our lives together.
it will all be worth it.

i'm making budgets and i'm gonna save money.

i think we might have a date for the wedding.
may 1st 2010.
it's still up in the air though.

readyreadyready!

"i want you staple gunned right to my side all of the time"

blake's leaving for louisiana friday.
it's really hard for me and it sucks.
but i know it's for the best.
he really wants to get down there, straighten up and make money.
his goal is to be able to bring me and ryann down there to live.
so i've got to be supportive and stay strong.

i hate money, i hate bills, i hate the government.
i hate society.
i hate what our world thrives on.
i wish it wasn't all so complicated.

happy as a clam

things worked themselves out, in the best way possible.
i see a very bright future ahead.

.....

am i wrong?
am i overthinking?
or am i being rational and realistic?
i think, considering the situation, i have every right to analyze every aspect of everything.
hopefully it just works out.

edumacation.

i'm loving school.
can't wait til i actually get to start doing stuff!
it's awesome having shawna there with me.

blake might be going to louisiana for a little while.
he wants to make money to save up for us.
he's the best.

i want a 2nd job.
i'd like to be out of this debt before i get married.

"gooooin to the chapel and we're gonnnaaa get maa-aa-aaried"

planing a wedding is crazy, fun and exhausting.
i havnt even gotten down to the nitty gritty details yet.
found a dress that i'm pretty set on though!

i start school monday!
i'm ready.

i hate when i can't get rid of my past.
good thing my present is so fucking solid, otherwise this would be a tough situation to handle.

"feels like i'm in a race, but i've already won 1st place"

i'm madly, deeply, insanely in love!
we're going to get married.
i'm so fucking happy.

must haves

-good book
-film for my poloroid camera
-pretty journal
-scrapbooking scissors

"L, is for the way you look at me..."

i enrolled at miller motte for cosmetology!
i start august 24th.
i am so excited.
shawna's going with me.
we're in this together!

i can't get enough of my boyfriend.
i sure as hell hope this feeling never ends.
i feel like i'm constantly floating!
aaahhh! <3333

i'm gay.
hahahah

"and if you wonder, about the spell i'm under..."

i've never felt so complete before in my life.
i wake up every morning next to an amazing boy,
and i get that butterfly feeling all over again.

"baby you're the only one i run to"

court went fine.
postponed until 08/27.
i'm getting a public defender.
seeing that dumb girl made my blood boil.
she made it seem like this all was inconvenient to her.
HELLO BITCH, YOU BROUGHT US HERE!
sheesh.

after court, blake and the kids went with me to my grandparents house.
it was awesome.
i couldn't ask for anything more right now.

i'm sick, stupid sinuses.
hopefully it goes away very soon!

head over heels.

we're home from louisiana.
it was a good trip.
exhausting.
i met some really great girls!
i wish i could've brought them home with me.
haha.

being down there made me realize a few things.
first of all, it's sad to see someone you care about turn into a super douche.
but hey, it's out of my hands now. i give up on being concerned.
the plus side of this trip made me realize that i've got an incredible boyfriend.
we're like some old married couple, but i'm totally into it.

i miss ryann so much!
my mom took her to my grandparents house, so it wont be til like the end of this week til i see her.
i'm freaking out!!

i know.

i need to get my shit together.
i seriously think i have a problem.
maybe i need to see someone.

fuck you chad for not having any responsibility.
i think sometimes i'm jealous of all his freedom.
but i love my daughter with all my heart.

tomorrow i will be on my way to louisiana with my boyfriend.
i am way too excited.
i need this so bad right now.

"we can make believe the morning sun will never rise"

perfection.
i've got my beautiful daughter, an adorable puppy, and an incredible boyfriend.
i feel like i have my own little family.
i'm being cautious, there's gotta be a downfall somewhere.
nothing is ever this great for me.
haha.
maybe now's my time!?
who knows.

louisiana this weekend!
i am so excited.
i need to start packing.
party tiiiiime!

my wish-rascal flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything,
more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big,
your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back,
but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you,
in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive,
and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.
But more than anything,
Yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big,
and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

fear.

a man came in my work today to buy a new bed.
he said his wife just passed away last week.
said he couldn't sleep in the same bed anymore.
i almost cried right in front of him.
i've lost lovers before.
but never forever.
they're still in my life.
i couldn't imagine losing the one person i want to share my life with.
more reasons i'm terrified of love.

"cause i like the way i feel, inside"

i'm not going to care what everyone else thinks about this.
it is about me and how i feel.
how happy i am.
i'm sorry to anyone who is hurt by it, but it's what i want.

being 21 isn't nearly as fun when you have a job and a child.
i don't have many opportunities to go out drinking.
but i'm sure i'll have some breaks.

blake said he'd help me take care of the puppy if i get one.
i'm on the hunt for all things nescessary to raise a puppy.
for a decent price.
i've gotta convince my parents i can do this.

"you've got me feeling emotions"

my birthday was a success.
blakey took me to hananoki!
i ordered a mai tai with dinner and was drunk off of one.
ahahah.
then made my way to nashville with shawna, jama, cronk and dito.
duddy met up with us while we were there.
we all went to play!!
hahaha. the boys had never been.
so they were highly amused.
my friend jonathan is a bartender there, so i was getting tons of free drinks!
such a good time.
i'm ready to go out again.

idk what to do with chad.
i want to help him.
but i'm afraid he's still playing games.

blake and i were googling pictures of puppies last night, i want one so bad!
i'm hoping to convince my parents to let me have one of bills.
plzplzplz.

can't wait for louisiana!

am i just another pretender?

i'm happy.
i've got incredible people in my life.
blakes taking me out to hananoki for my birthday.
i'm going to nashville with friends.
i'm going to have an amazing time.

but i still can't stop thinking how badly i wish you were here.
i'm aching for it.

back at it.

i've been updating my tumblr again.
mostly a lot of reblogs.
it's amazing coming across people/pictures i can relate too.
hollyduhhh.tumblr.com

"love is friendship set on fire"

"you make breaking hearts look so easy"

yesterday was entirely too emotional of a day.
i need to remember to never forget my meds ever again.

listen, i can handle being lied to, i can handle my heart being broken, by you.
however, i will not allow you to lie and break my daughters heart.
get your shit together.

tomorrow i will be 21.
holy fuck.
still cannot believe it's happening.

blakes gonna take me out for dinner. :]
then i want a bunch of people to come with me to nashville!
hopefully i get lots and lots of free drinks.

i'm still trying to get myself financially stable.
it's hard.
sometimes i wish it was all just handed to me.
but then i'd be one of "those" girls.
so i'm glad my parents make me work for it.

i'm tired.
fuuuck.

you.

if you're reading this, you know who you are.

this is how i feel about you.

"i dig you"

i'm happy.

i absolutely love my second family.

jama, andrew and ryleigh are part of team howell.

and i love our family hangouts!

"oh baby you, you've got what i need"

i'm struggling financially and it's really bringing me down.
i've got to figure something out...fast.

yesterday was a great day.
spent majority of the day in crofton.
driving the 4wheeler and blake took me on the track on his bike.
kinda scary! haha
i absolutely love jama, andrew and ryleigh.
and team howell!
went to midnight madness last night.
i seriously felt so out of place.
but it was still a good time.

i'm in sort of an awkward position right now.
but i'm sticking with it, because i'm really happy with where it's going.

someone get me a second job.

i'm on fiiiiire!

so much for nothing drastic.
we decided to dye some of my bangs red.
hahah.
it's sort of a pinkish red.
not really the red i wanted, but it's growing on me.

tomorrow is mine, blakes, andrew and jama's redneck vacation!
we're going to crofton and taking the motor home.
we're also taking the kids with us.
we plan on being as white trash as possible while we're there!
we might even stop in hoptown and all get eloped.
aahaha. jk.

i need to go to the doctor and find out why i'm always so damn tired.
and where the hell my period is!
still have not had one since april.
my body is all kinds of fucked up.

6 days til my birthday!
still not sure what i'm doing yet.
but i'll make sure it's extra crunk.

"i wanna taste you one more time again"

i think every night for the rest of my life i need to climb on top of a roof and relax.
last night was great.

i hate always thinking what my past is presently doing.
what sucks even more is when my past lets me know what they're doing.
fml.

i'm not dealing with immaturity anymore.
so don't come at me with any of your petty bullshit.

i think cristina and i are going to experiment with my hair tonight.
just styling it, nothing drastic!

"i'm always your last call"

if you and i were ever romantically involved in my past,
you can pretty much forget about it ever happening again.
it seems like everyone is so pathetic.
i am not having it anymore.
i don't do liars, cheaters, deadbeats, or assholes.
i've finally realized i'm way too good for that bullshit.

on a lighter note,
i've been listening to the same exact songs over and over.
blake made a mix cd and i cant stop listening to these songs:
for tonite-sooner the better
the honorary title-everything i once had
the spill canvas-all over you
a day to remember-my life for hire
lil wayne-sky's the limit
yea, it's totally the best playlist ever.

went and saw the fireworks on post.
then rode the worst ride ever.
seriously, it hurt and was in no way fun.
michelina, shawna and i also thought it was a good idea to wear dresses to a fair.
not a good idea.
but after seeing many white girls with the ghetto girl style,
i decided that i'm going back to my old ways.
big earrings and ghetto talk here i come!!

cronk is moving in with shawna, so we partied there after beer pong at brendons.
poor shawna and cronks apt was demolished by water balloons.
but it was so much fun.
i fucking love the shit outta my friends.

i really want sushi.
someone make this happen.

this is savanna and i being dumb on the slip n slide.

this is blake and cronk hauling ass down the slip n slide.

i promise i made it to the end atleast twice.

they just didn't catch it on camera :(

Xtreme.

i'm blonde now!
i love it.
i want to put another bright color, probably red, in it.
yayayyy!

my 4th of july was a blast.
blake and i are going to see the fireworks tonight since they were rained out last night.
our slip n slide party friday was a success!!
so many different groups of friends came out and everyone got along!
i loved it.
i'll post pictures of the slip n slide later.

so, i don't know what on earth makes boys think it's ok to send me dirty texts when i am in no way interested in you.
really, it just disgusts me.

today on my way to work i went to taco bell.
when i got up to the window the lady told me the people in front of me paid for my order!
and they gave her a card to give to me.
it said that they were from the Xtreme Ministries.
and it says to pass on the love.
i just may do that!
it was pretty awesome.
i may not believe in god or religion,
but i can still do nice things for people!

10 days til my bday!
then on the 24th blake and i go to louisiana!
shawna and cronk may be coming too!
this is going to rule so hard.
i love my life right now.

i'm kinda like andrew wk

i partypartyparty!
hahah.

i'm going ultra blonde today!
finally.
it better be awesome.

blake and i are having a slip n slide party tonight!!
i'm really excited about it.

i really need to keep up with taking my medicine regularly.
i keep missing doses, or taking too many in one day.
and it's throwing my moods all off.
plus it makes me sick.
fuck meds.

blake and i plan on party hopping for 4th of july.
so if you know of any good ones, hit me up!

i need a change

i'm ready to cut my hair.
i want to dye it as well.
i need to start working on more of my tattoos.
i would like to buy a new wardrobe.
i want to make myself over.
i've got a new heart, i need a new look to go with it!

hopefully i get money for my bday and i can make this all happen ASAP!

"there's tons of fish in the water...

...so the waters i will test."

it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.
i'm so glad to have finally let go and be done with it.
i'll always love him, but it's a lot different now.
it's easy to let go when you're being pushed away.
to be honest, i'm happier now.

it's already july!
my birthday is in 14 days.
not exactly sure yet what i'm doing.
but i know it will be good!

blake and i are going to louisiana on the 24th and coming back the 27th.
i'm excited.
i've never been there.
we're gonna stop in new orleans on our way down!
super stoked.

i need money.
i'm gonna go sell my organs.
maybe my eggs!
i produce pretty awesome children,
tons of people should want em.

"so i creep, yeaaaa"

i've never really believed much in horoscopes,
but my horoscope on twitter has been freaking me out lately.
it always fits perfectly into how i feel and what's going on.
weird!
here's mine for today.
HOROSCOPE

yesterday i was late to work.
throwing up my guts is not fun.

i'm going shopping in nashville with blake today.
except i'm not really shopping, because i'm fucking broke.
it sucks so bad.
i'm like falling back into debt.
i need a 2nd job.
someone help!!

i need more dance parties very soon please.

"pimp if you want me you can find me in the..."

12th and porter last night was so much fun.
being sweaty and dancing with all my nashville friends ruled.
the d.j played some really good mixes!
including PYT which i was super stoked on.

went to crofton before nashville.
watched mr. bill race.
rode on the 4wheeler with blake.
it made me feel redneck, it was awesome.
blake's going to teach me and ryann to ride!
well, when ryann is old enough.
she's gonna tear ass on that track!
lauren and bryson are learning to ride too.
we're gonna be one huge ridin' family!

show tonight at the coup!
come out, come out!

"aint too many can bang with us"

yesterday ended a lot better than it began.
i finally stopped having crying episodes.

i realized i wasn't ready for dating.
i just need to have some fun, i do not want anything serious.
i want to party and be free.
the coup last night was so perfect.

i met cristinas man.
i approve 100%.
she's so happy, i love it.

blake and i are going to get RIP MJ tattoos.
mine's gonna say:
P.Y.T
R.I.P
M.J
blake might get the same one.
hahaha.
we rule.

crofton tonight for mr. bills race.
then i might be going to nashville for a dance party at 12th and porter.
super stoked.

i feel like things are going to get better from here.
i've accepted being alone.
i'm going to party like i've never partied before.

p.s. HIT ME UP AND WE WILL PARTY!

"they call her love"

my emotions are completely out of wack.
one minute i'm insanely happy and free and loving life.
then the next i'm sitting on my couch crying over a damn we the kings music video!
fml.
now i'm watching that parachute music video.
i just need a beauitful boy to serenade me.
one that does sweet things for me.
and keeps butterflies in my stomach constantly.

thoughts of moving away are coming back.
they'll never fully dissappear.
i'm not meant for this place.
i know i have the potential to be so much more.
but stuck in this town, it'll never happen.

p.s. FUCK YOU EMOTIONS
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

GALBRAITH

i was researching my family coat of arms and i think it's pretty interesting.
our family motto is:
Ab Obice Suavior.
which translates to:
Stronger When Opposed.

i think it suits me perfectly.
i'll prolly get a typical script tattoo of it.
but i'm thinking about incorportating the actualy coat of arms as well.
we'll see!

to see the coat of arms, CLICK!

yes please!

if anyone wants to buy me this shirt, i'm totally ok with that!
CLICK HERE TO SEE PRICE

i'm getting my AC fixed tomorrow!!
then i'm going on a date!!
double whammy!
i'm sure something will go wrong, nothing can ever be that great all in one day.
hahah. oops, i forgot, positive thoughts!

my blakey poo is here!
definite plus.
we're gonna be swimmin' and drinkin' lots!
hell yes.

i had a dream last night that maggots kept coming out of my mouth.
wtf!?
anyone translate dreams?
cause i'd like to know what in the world that's supposed to mean.

sick.

it just hit me.
this sudden nauseous feeling along with a chill.
i'm terrified.
i'm not ready.
i'm not over my past.
god dammit.

lets wipe the slate clean.

no more pouting.
no more heartbreak.
no more being down.
i have so much to be happy about.
i have a beautiful daughter, who's getting smarter everyday.
i have a date soon with an amazing guy.
i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
i have a job that i enjoy.
i'm not in jail! hahah
i just need to look at all the positive things and be happy!

on a little bit of a downer note,
i have court in the boro on 7/30.
it's going to be interesting though.
the girl definitely lied on her statement.
so we'll see how it goes!

i really want to go camping and swimming.
i'm gonna try and arrange something soon with all my friends.

july 12th, nathans band dissect the coroner is playing at the coup.
i told him i'd make a party out of it!
so all of you folks who read this need to come out and get crazy!
then july 15th is my 21st bday!
i'm gonna get crazy!!!!
you know you wanna be there.

p.s. THINK POSITIVE AND POSITIVE THINGS HAPPEN!

kate nash, you say it so perfectly.

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

lawlz

me being booked.
ha.
got hit on by lots of inmates.
i prolly should have worn pants, not shorts.

--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

and tonight...

...i'll cry myself to sleep.

i guess it's really time.
time to hide every ounce of love and feeling inside of me.

love is not a game,
i shouldn't have to feel as if i'm constantly losing.

one day prince charming will sweep me off my feet.
and he'll show me anything i've ever felt before him was bullshit.

p.s. PRINCE CHARMING, YOU CAN COME GET ME NOW.

"you're the voice i hear inside my head"

i don't care how fucking cheesy this is, it always gives me butterflies!
hahahha.
i want to have a duet with someone like this!
so sweet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BT_W3QhLWY

loooookboooook

ok, if any of you read this and are fellow lookbookers,
http://lookbook.nu/user/17334-Holly-G
holla at me!

jail bird.

i'm turning myself in tomorrow.
cristina's going with me.
they told me i wont have to sit in jail,
that they'll just book me and give me a court date.
i sure hope that's true.

cwm, you make me absolutely sick to my stomach.
stay out of my life.

my blakey poo is moving back to clarksville!
i'm stoked for him to be my best friend again.
we used to have so much fun,
you better believe we're about to set this city on fiiiire!
hahahaha.

p.s. HEY 21st BDAY, HURRY UP!

"i wanna wake up where you are"

i'm ready.
ready to wake up to that one face everymorning.
go to sleep in the same arms every night.
i want to make him the happiest man on this earth.
make him feel like he's completely worth all the love i feel for him.
it's just this feeling inside of me that i've never felt,
and i don't ever want it to dissapear.
i'm in love.

unfortunately, it's not mutual.
i'm alone.

p.s. THIS IS NOT ABOUT BRIAN FALLON, HOWEVER, I WILL MARRY HIM TOO!

new man.

yes, i am more than ready to get married and have your children.
you can sing to me and i will make you breakfast, lunch and dinner.
i will sex you so good.
please come to me soon.

i refuse to say happy fathers day to a piece of shit.
thank goodness ryann and i have my dad.
he's the only man that i will ever be able to trust 100%.
ryanns so lucky to have the two amazing grandfathers that she does.
so happy fathers day to those of you who participate in your childs life!

just when i think i'm over it and ready to let you go,
i feel the ache in my bones again.
i need you.

bitches get stitches.

bahahahaah.
stupid, i know.

i hate dumbass broads.
seriously, give up.
you're dumb, immature, and basically you don't matter.
i also hate lying, piece of shit, dudes.
you don't deserve half of the love you've ever had.
no longer will i be walked all over or used.
i'm better than you, i finally know this.
and i refuse to settle for less ever again.

p.s. I AM MORE THAN INCREDIBLE.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

i'm baaaaack!

last night was a very good night.
first time in a while i was actually enjoying being single!
it reminded me of when the coup 1st opened and we were wild and crazy!
it was exactly what i needed.
i suppose being told by multiple people that i have the hottest legs
they've ever
seen, probably helped a lot too!
hahahah.

p.s. LOVE IS OVERRATED!

--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

"whiskey bent and hellbound"

turns out i have a warrant out in rutherford county for my crazy actions the other night.

fml.

well, i'm trying to party tonight, hot damn.

come to the coup!

i need lots of friends to keep my mind off stupid stuff.

"love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew"

if only i could pick up and run away whenever things get hard.
move somewhere, start new.
that's what i need.
my past is haunting me here in clarksville.

no matter how much dudes suck,
i know i always have my girls to count on.
they make my life way more interesting anyways!

slowly but surely i'm realizing i don't need anyone.
i just know that i'm so full of love, i could make someone so happy.
but i need to save it for someone who truely deserves it.

fuck my work for playing country music all day.
especially the slow sad bullshit.

whoever reads this and lives in clarksville,
COME TO THE COUP TONIGHT!
dead icons from lexington, ky are playing.
they're really good.
plus they're fun dudes.
come out!

"but now we'll never know"

just when i think i'm ok,
i fall apart.
i give up.
i just want to curl up in a ball and never leave my bedroom.
i always feel insecure and worthless.
my self esteem has gone completely out the window.
i'm done.

wantwantwant

why cant i be beautiful with amazing hair?!
as well as a bangin' body, which includes an awesome rack of course.
it would also be nice if i could have a good set of vocal chords.
so i could draw the boys in with my singing.
god dammit i wanna be like carrie underwood.

...

"i don't wanna' spend my life jaded
waiting to wake up one day and find
that i've let all these years go by
wasted"

i dont know what i'm doing really.
other than having a false hope.
i guess i just keep expecting it to all fall into place.
but it's not heading in that direction.
everything's telling me to run.
but i'm stuck.

"that's my girl"

i'm crazy and get myself into way too much trouble.
but hey, never a dull moment when i come around!
haha. i suppose it's time to settle down a bit.

i watched my friend jama give birth to her beautiful baby girl.
it was absolutely incredible!
i'm ready to go see her again.
babies are so amazing to me.

best friends do the craziest things together.
i'm so lucky to have the friends i do that are there for me through everything!!

"love lies in jealousy"

from here on out i'm making a pact with myself to stop lurking!!
i do nothing but drive myself insane.
so, no more.

also, something is wrong with me!
i'm always extremely exhausted.
i think i need an entire day of sleep to feel back on track.
i also need someone to come massage my back everyday,
i feel like such an old lady.

i'm eliminating people from my life.
if you cause drama and you're not bringing anything positive in my life,
you're out.
i'm tired of ridiculous bullshit for no damn reason.

shawna, kayla and i watched "he's just not that into you" last night.
at first it depressed the fuck out of me, because i just want someone to love me forever.
but then i finally realized, i'm never going to give up hope.
one day it will happen and i'll live happily ever after.
and i will not allow anyone to make me think otherwise.

p.s. EXACTLY ONE MONTH FROM TODAY I WILL BE 21!!!!!

it feels good to believe that everything he said is true.
but i can't help but think i'm being lied to.
i'm just trying to be careful with my heart.
it's in an extremely fragile state right now.
i'm just ready to be ok.

FRESH.

i have this sudden urge to throw out everything in my wardrobe and start new.
i want to purchase some basics, then build on them.
i lurk lookbook like crazy and see so many cute things.
i wish i had the money and time to dress the way i really want.

p.s. I NEED OUT OF CLARKSVILLE, NOW!

never ever.

how will i ever stop loving him, if he's one of my best friends?
it's not very often i say something like this,
but unless the one who who has my heart in his hands wants to take responsibility for it,
i want to be alone.
i can't even pretend that i feel anything for anyone else.

P.S. THIS IS NOT ABOUT CHAD, SO FUCK OFF.

"you took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart...

...then you realized you wanted what you had."

i'm to the point where i feel like i will always be second best.
to the point where i don't want to let anyone in ever again.
i should stop caring.
stop wanting.
be happy with being alone.
it's a lot harder than that though.

i'm working back at chucks furniture.
i'm glad to be back.
having money is exciting!
i feel bad for my mom though.
she keeps ryann for me while i work,
and ryann is a little terror.
anybody know of any inexpensive but trustworthy child care?!

as for that whole "i'm interested thing".
idk what i'm doing.
i'm terrified.
nervous.
unsure.
ugh.

i've found myself turning to things i told myself i wouldn't anymore.
but i thought it was helping.
really, it all has crushed me completely.
i don't want to become something i'm not.

"there's a chance i'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do"

being a controlling bitch will come around and bite you in the ass.
just my words of advice for the day.

i'm so happy to be home!
i never thought i'd be so stoked to be back in clarksville.

remember the whole "i'm interested" thing...
well, i'm even more interested after today.
:]

"you know that i could use somebody"

i had an amazing time at the beach.
shawna is the most awesome beach partner ever!!
the beach is such a perfect get away.

but back to real life.
i hate thinking i'm over and done with something.
then seeing the pictures and hearing about the life i wanted that you're living with someone else,
has my insides on fire.
everytime you give me the chance to have what i want, i pass it up because i'm scared.
then you go right back to being happy with someone else.
it hurts me like you could never imagine.
how on earth do i manage to let myself get so down about multiple loves?!
i have to stop caring.
i need to stop falling so fast.
i need to be independent.

fuck you, fuck you very very much.

fuck lingering thoughts.
"there's no such thing as what might have been."
as much as i try to tell myself that, i always think otherwise.

oh baby, baby it's a wild world

i'm in virginia with shawna and my family!
so far we havnt done much, other than shopping.
i'm really exhausted which kind of sucks.

wednesday we're going to busch gardens and i cannot wait!
then thursday and friday we'll be at the beach!

i hate feeling like it's my responsibility to care so much about people in my life.
but it comes naturally.
i want to help people i care about.
even if it hurts me to hear things and see things,
i want to maintain some sort of status in old flames lives.
once i care for someone, it's hard to let it go.

i'm interested.
but i always, always, always jinx/ruin everything.
so, as always, i'm scared of what might come.

"i'll pretend my ships not sinking"

i don't even know how to describe what i feel right now.
my body aches, my stomach is in knots, my heart is on fire, my eyes are heavy.
and i've brought this all upon myself.
i do nothing but put myself in situations that bring me down.

i've come to realize i am the fun girl.
i'm the girl you want to hang out with and "have a good time" with.
you wanna sleep with me and party with me.
but you cant see yourself being with me forever.
and i don't know what i do to stop being that girl.

i'm interested.
i'm trying to show it.
but i'm so fucked up in the head from everything, i have no idea what to do with myself.
somebody fix me.

figuring myself out.

i'm reading the book "crank".
it's definitely ineresting.
while reading it, i realized something about myself.
in the book, adam (who's a heavy user of crank and gets the main character Bree into it as well) says to Bree:
"with you i am adam. and you are my beautiful eve. lets run away, find our garden, live there together, happy. naked."
and as i read this, i find mysef melting.
thinking how romantic that is.
then i start finding myself jealous of Bree, the main character.
but then, i really started to think about it.
and all that bree and adam's relationship consisted of was drugs and sex.
but yet, i still found myself jealous.
that is when i realized my problem.
i always see past the worst in people.
and i dig really deep and find any possible good in them.
when it comes to being a friend, that is a good trait for me to have.
i could be a very good supportive friend to someone who really needs it.
but i am realizing that when i'm looking for a significant other to maybe spend my life with, i don't need to look past the worst.
i need to analyze everything about them.
consider the best and the worst and really think before i make any actions.
it seems that whatever i was doing before never seemed to work, so i need to make changes.
and i really think this is a big change that will help.

anyways.
i have my dr. appt today for my medicine.
hopefully they give me something that will help a lot.
i want to be happy all the time!

never again.

i'm sorry for the impression i gave you, with the actions i took.
but that's no longer who i am, or who i will ever be again.
i made a mistake, and i refuse to let you treat me like a dog.

i'm having so much fun with my friends!
they really are the best friends anyone could ask for.
i'm also making new friends!
in different places!
keeping things interesting.
i love it.

i'm trying to kick ass on all of my finals.
i really don't want to be kicked out of school.

"the thought of anyone but you never crossed the landmines in your mind"

i make crazy, impulsive decisions.
i never regret them.
no matter how much they upset me.
and honestly, the most recent crazy decision i made hasn't upset me much.
in fact, i think it's helped me.
however, i know that the things i want and need are not going to come from this.

i love partying with new people!
kids from nashville/murfreesboro always know how to have a good time!

"no amout of whiskey, no amount of wine"

i've got to stop.
i can't continue feeling sick and crying everyday.
i don't let go easily.
and i really wasn't trying to let go at all.
but it's time.
i have to make myself.
i'm going to need support.
but i know i can do it.

idk.

i'm not sure if what i'm doing is hurting me or healing me.
i'm leaning more torwards hurting me, but i can't seem to stop myself.
i know what i want, but i can't have it.
it's eating me alive every day.

"we're all alright"

i do not like being alone.
not just alone, without a significant other.
but alone in general.
i've been doing everything possible to keep myself constantly surrounded by people.
thank goodness i have the most amazing friends ever that help make this happen.

i always find myself fighting sleep.
i'm not sure why.
i'm tired, there is nothing special going on. if i'm sleeping my thoughts aren't running wild,
but no...i'm fighting it.
writing blogs, posting new pictures, watching that 70's show.
everything but sleep.

my self esteem is sort of building itself back up.
i love myself.
even though i always pick myself apart and blame myself for everything,
i think deep down i know it's not me.
i've got everything and more.
and one day someone will realize it and appreciate it.

"take me all the way"

sometimes i pretend i'm stable.
but really, my insides are on fire, there's a huge lump in my throat, and i'm an emotional wreck.
you've just gotta fake it til you make it, right?

the stars are beautiful tonight.
and it reminds me that i'm alone.

i want to be scooped up and carried away to the romance that i've dreamed of forever. it's not perfect, but it's a real and genuine love.
except it's not real, because it only happens when i'm dreaming.

it's funny that even though love has done nothing but hurt me,
i can't help but still want it.
i want the kind of love that's so intense you can feel the passion burning when you look into eachothers eyes.
i want a genuine love.
but i don't think i want it anytime soon.
i don't need that right now.

i don't think i will be drinking for a while.
depression+alcohol=huge emotional mess.
last night was a disaster, one i wish would have never happened.

i feel sick.

i'm getting my hair done tonight. (hopefully)
i want a change.

best friends.

i have the most amazing friends in the entire world.
a lot of mine and chads close friends showed up for ryanns birthday party!
they played with ryann and we all had an awesome time!
i love everyone who came, thank you so much!

last night was mine and stacys night away in murfreesboro!
went to the wolvering video shoot.
such a good time!
then stopped by a punk house show.
the boro knows whatsup, we will definitely be back again!

we also rode around in a limo downtown clarksville.
hahah.
we'z famous bitchez.

also, so many people have noticed i've been tanning! i love it.
andddd, i've lost 4 lbs since the breakup. hahah.
i always lose weight when i get emotional, but i was needing to drop a few pounds anyways, so this rules!!

go figure.

i seem to always jynx my relationships.
i'm always let down.
always dissapointed.
and you'd think by now i'd be able to handle heartbreak easily.
but no, it still hurts, possibly even worse the more it keeps happening.

i'm so lucky to have the friends i do though.
they always help me through everything!

so, i'm single and ready to mingle!
bahahah.
jk. i just want to have fun for a while.

"cause i fall three times as hard if it's for nothing at all"

they say distance makes the heart grow fonder...
really, distance just makes me cranky.
i'm ready for him to be home.
3 more days!

i start a babysitting job today.
i'll be picking the kids up from school and watching them a couple of hours a day.
and i can bring ryann with!
so i'm looking forward to this!

i can be really immature and selfish when it comes to relationships.
i feel guilty for my reactions sometimes.
but i'm tired of always having rocky relationships and constant interference.
i want this to be about me and him.
nobody else.
so please don't try to come between, i'd hate to turn into the crazy bitch i can be.

i cannot wait til the end of may.
cody is coming with me and my family to VA to visit my gparents!
we're going to busch gardens and hopefully the beach.
hopefully the time flies by 'til then!

"you're beautiful"

i'm getting myself ready for the summer!
i've been tanning.
i'm getting my hair cut and i'm changing the color sometime this week.
i'm working out.
i wanna be hottttt!

i've been having a lot of fun lately.
but i need to spend more time with my girls!

i've got so many tattoo ideas coming into my brain!
hopefully cody can hurry up and draw them up.

he's going out of town next week.
and i'm super sad.
haha.
biggest baby everrrrrr.

i am loving life right now.

i'm leaving my fingerprints in the end.

i've been having terrible headaches lately.
i think i need to make myself an appointment.

i'm happy.
and i'm not faking it!

cody is watching ryann for me while i go to school tomorrow.
i can't even begin to explain how incredible that is to me.
he's got me smiling a lot lately.
it rules.

i want to go shopping.
but i'm trying to save my money this time around.
maybe just small purchases?! haha.

i learned how to download torrents!
so now i have a shit ton of music.
but i have no cd drive on my computer.
which means i have no where to put this music.
i think i need to buy an ipod!
:]

i bought twilight.
it's totally worth all the hype it got.
i dont care what anyone else says.
and i'm making cody watch it tonight.
he's definitely not excited.

i love food.
i want to sit and eat all day.

also, katy perry's song fingerprints is so good.

i just...i just...

i don't know.

i wonder if my expecations are just too high and that's why i'm constantly let down.
but i feel like i expect just as much as anyone else.
but i put myself in the situations to be let down and hurt.
i never escape the things that bring me down.

the sun still sleeps

cody let me borrow his acoustic!
and he started teaching me dust in the wind.
but i havnt been playing or learning anything lately.
i need to change that!

i've been listening to country music so much lately!
it rules.
the lyrics to most country songs are so real and i can relate to them.
it makes me feel better to hear someone else talking about some of the same problems or issues i've been feeling and thinking.

i've decided that my style for the summer is going to be a mixture between like abercrombie prep and complete hippie!
hahah.
don't hate!

i want to go to bonnaroo!
tickets are so much and i havn't really found anyone else to go with me, but i wanna go!!

the weather is supposed to be nice this weekend.
i cannot wait!
i bought a kite!
it's a butterfly and it's sort of 3-D.
i wanna use it asap.

i'm still happy with my boy situation.
we're not official.
but there's no need for titles just yet.
as long as we're both happy that's all that matters.

oh baby you...

i dont think i have stopped smiling.
everything feels good.

i've come to the conclusion that every girl ever should own square scarfs.
they complete outfits!!
i love throwing on a square scarf with a tshirt and jeans.

this weather has been beautiful.
i want it to stay this way.
i wanna fly kites and play basketball!!

i'm thinking about doing something different to my hair!
hopefully soon!

i've also got some new tattoo ideas that might be coming to life soon.

woooo!

take my heart, but please don't break it.

it's right there, what i've wanted for a long time...
and i'm terrified.
but i'm gonna go with it.
just let things happen.
and i wont let it hurt me this time.

lucero last night was so good.
i absolutely love cristina.
i do not love crazy drunk bros!
or guys with creepy, pervy like hair.

i'm really excited for the superbowl.
i'm making cupcakes for the party i'm going to!

i have become so confident with myself, i love it.
i feel like i'm able to express myself better than i have ever in my life.
i have no enemies, that i know of, at the moment.
everything is good everywhere.
and i plan on keeping it that way!

i'm probably going to new york for my spring break.
my aunt and my mom want me to give it a trial session before i decide if that's where i want to move. ahhh, i already know i do!

don't try to fight the feeling

money from school finally came!
it's insane how much happier money can make me.
i bought myself a new laptop! it's tiny and adorably.
i can't wait to take myself shopping.

i've been surrounding myself with people that make me happy.
i never realized how much your surroundings make a difference in your happiness, until now.

shawna and i took a little trip to GA!
got to see some friends of mine and carsonnnn. :]
i had fun. i love shawna so much.
that was the first time in a while we got to spend a lot of time together.
it ruled.

i have a lot of plans coming up.
i've also been enjoying school!

i'd like to give an A+ to my life right now.

buttercup.

i have these images in my head of my dream man.
the way he looks, the way he treats me, the way we are together.
and i'm afraid that if i don't come across this dream guy, i can't be with anyone.
i think that's why i've been distancing myself from guys that are interested.
because i have it in my head a specific type of guy i want.
there's one boy that keeps me interested.
but it's a difficult situation for a few reasons.
who knows, maybe my dream guy will come along soon.

i've started school!
i really, really have every intention of making this count.
how will i ever make it out if i cant make it in school?
so thats why i'm going to put everything into it and fully focus.

i want to be more active and outdoorsey this summer.
picnics, camping, hiking, swimming, road trips.
everything. i want to do it!

i'm going to start making everything i do worth it.

summer summer summertime!

i am so ready for the summer.
i want BBQ's and swimming with friends.
more crazy sweaty shows at the coup!
vacations!
i'm soooo ready for it.

on another note,
do you ever feel like nobody is ever good enough for you?
like, for a relationship.
it's not that i think i'm way too amazing, i just feel like nobody is worth spending my life with.
maybe one day i'll come across that person.
but i just honestly feel like i'm gonna be juggling boys forever.
because i have such high expectations of what i want "the one" to be like.
i have an image of him in my head.
what he looks like and how he treats me.
and lately i've felt like if it's not this exact guy i have imagined in my head, then i don't want anyone.
hopefully i grow out of that.
who knows.

get it girl!

there are lots of things i want to accomplish.

and i am actually putting forth the effort to accomplish these things.

i want to be more involved in music and fashion.

so, as soon as i get money back from school i am buying an acoustic guitar!

i played a little bit with erica the other night and it was awesome.

i want to eventually be able to play acoustic night at the coup!

as for the fashion, i want to start being more creative and make some of my own stuff!

so, my grandma is giving me her sewing machine!!

i am so excited. these things that i've been dreaming about doing are actually going to happen.

it just makes me feel like i'm one step closer to accomplishing my goals.

also, my aunt just moved to NYC.

i was talking to my mom about maybe going to live with her for a bit and go to fashion school there.

my mom said we need to sit down and discuss it more seriously.

i really want this. i want to get closer to my dreams!

hopefully i can work something up.

fingers crossed!

oh yea, i really want boots like these!

i could dress them up really cute.

love em!

jonesin' for the west coast.

i always, always, always feel like this is not the place for me.
i also don't feel like being here any longer will help me accomplish my dreams and goals.
how do you escape, when you have so much that you can't leave behind?
money rules the world and it's driving me insane.
i'm doing a lot of research and focusing more on actually getting out of here and doing the things i want.
my body is aching for something new.
california is my goal.
it's something i've wanted for so long, so long that i don't think i'll ever give it up.
i'll make it out of here and do big things.
now is the time for me to be more serious and make this happen.